► Month seven with the Vauxhall Corsa VXR
► It’s fair to say that it won’t be missed
► There’s one vital chink in its armour…
If you’ve read any of the reports on the Corsa VXR, you’ll know that there won’t be any bowed heads and damp eyes as it heads back to Luton. With so much on-paper promise, the fast Corsa was the perfect example of how a box-ticking exercise can go horribly wrong because it misses out on those intangibles like charisma and charm.
Arguably the weakest link in the VXR’s chain is its engine. That blown 1598cc, an uprated version of the same engine that powered the outgoing Corsa VXR, generates 202bhp at a relaxed 5800rpm and a chunky 181lb ft of torque that steps in at 1900rpm and usefully hangs around until 5800rpm. There’s even an extra 26lb ft to transform we’re-not-going-to-make-it into breathe-easy overtaking manoeuvres.
That’s enough bicep to sweep aside the VXR’s hefty 1293kg kerbweight and skedaddle it to 62mph in 6.8sec and onto 143mph. And the VXR never feels anything other than very brisk indeed. The problem is that instead of an effervescent and rev-happy four-pot that zings its way to the redline with a fart-in-the-bath soundtrack, the VXR’s lump sounds coarse and dull, with nothing to inspire you to drop it from fourth to third and redline it just for the hell of it. Politely put, it moves the VXR along at a brisk clip, no more, no less.
We opted for the euphemistically named £2400 Performance Pack, which added a Drexler front differential, larger 300mm diameter Brembo front discs, gooey Michelin Pilot Supersport boots and uprated Koni dampers. I say euphemistically, because Get Your Osteopath On Speed Dial might be a more apt name. It’s seriously hardcore. Great if every road you drive is glass smooth, but in the real world out on our crummy roads the ride is punishingly hard and abrupt.
Boot it through corners and that Drexler diff hauls you into the apex as if the word understeer had never been invented. But mid-bend ruts and crags mean it can also spit you out in all sorts of ummm… entertaining directions, tugging and twerking the mute steering wheel this way and that. Good job standing on the excellent Brembos was like hitting the pause button.
Perhaps much of this could be swept under the carpet if the VXR had pinballed its way up the road as if it were filled with intent, but it didn’t. Dynamically the Corsa never displayed any tail-up friskiness – it felt disappointingly inert and leaden, with little in the way of nuance or subtlety. It’s as if it had never heard of words like fun, exhilaration or pleasure.
Perhaps the most telling moment came when I pitched it against it the Fiesta ST, and its rival trounced it back-to-back over roads I drive every day. The ST made you want to take the long way home every time. The VXR gave you too many excuses to take a shortcut. Vauxhall’s VXR department has, in my opinion, created some seriously engaging driver’s cars, as my last report highlighted. But, hard as it is to say, the Corsa isn’t one of them. Not by a Luton mile.
Count the cost
Cost new: £22,135 (including £4140 of options)
Dealer sale price: £14,350
Private sale price: £13,530
Part-exchange price: £12,705
Cost per mile: 16.79p
Cost per mile including depreciation: £1.05
From the driving seat
– Engine is punchy but coarse and dull
– Ride is stiff-kneed and punishingly hard
– Handling is inert and uninvolving
Logbook: Vauxhall Corsa VXR
Engine: 1598cc 16v turbo 4-cyl, 202bhp @ 5800rpm, 181lb ft @ 1950rpm
Transmission: 6-speed manual, front-wheel drive
Stats: 6.5sec 0-62mph, 143mph, 174g/km
Price: £17,995
As tested: £22,135
Miles this month: 1662
Total miles: 10,673
Our mpg: 32.3
Official mpg: 37.7
Total fuel: £1792.00
Extra costs: £0
Read more from the May 2016 issue of CAR magazine